I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
