how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
