You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Randomize
