He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
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Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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