I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
