I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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