The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
