At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He called his prostate his "boner button".
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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