Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
