I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
