My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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