allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
