so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
