so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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