I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
