Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
