my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
