Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
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