hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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