I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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