I hope mine doesn't look like that
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
