I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
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