Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i drank out of a bidet.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
