So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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