Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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