I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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