I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
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