I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
