he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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