Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
