did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize