I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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