i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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