remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
