if i can run in heels then i can drive
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
