so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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