Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
