Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
