About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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