No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
