My cat gives me a boner
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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