Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
tell me about the eggs
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
