She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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