we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
