Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
