In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
