I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
