I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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