I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
