if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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