I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
