What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
