Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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