I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
